From the forums:
I don’t think mixing up names is that big a deal, and the commenters on the forum agree. We ALL have family members or someone in our life – often parents or grandparents – that run through a list of loved one’s names before landing on the right one. My grandpa, with four kids and six grandkids, was notorious about this, and I’m pretty sure over the years I heard him call my grandmother everyone else’s name lots of times. What I do think your situation and the examples you’ve given might suggest more than lingering feelings on your husband’s part is your insecurity in your relationship, and I have to wonder what is responsible for the insecurity here. Is it JUST the name thing or is there more? Is your gut telling you something? Do you have a legitimate reason to believe your husband isn’t over his ex? If it’s just the name thing – something that a lot of people might laugh off or roll their eyes at rather than feeling really wounded and suspicious about – I think you’re over-reacting. But if there’s a deeper reason for your unease, you owe it to yourself and your relationship to articulate what that reason is, communicate with your husband, and seek some help – maybe in the way of marriage counseling – to address it.
I am remembering when I was in a relationship with a guy before I met my now-husband who called me by his ex’s name on a few occasions. It really bothered me, but I had so many other reasons to suspect he wasn’t over this woman. His calling me by her name was really the smallest indication and one I may not have even registered if the other reasons weren’t so obvious. I can understand feeling a little embarrassed or surprised, maybe even slightly hurt, to be called by your partner’s ex’s name, but that feeling should pass quickly. If it doesn’t, and if you are actually actively testing your spouse to “prove” something you – his love, maybe – by asking pointed questions like “what’s my middle name?”, you’re looking for justification for a suspicion or a feeling or an insecurity you have. The justification doesn’t exist in the form of your husband’s momentary “brain farts”; the justification would have to exist within more serious transgressions. If such transgressions don’t exist, then the issue is probably in your head and if you are unable to get past it, you should talk to a therapist about how you’re feeling before you sabotage your marriage.
Despite everything, I tried to remain cool even though I wasn’t. He, on the other hand, was happy and overwhelmed with all the presents I presented to him – because I pay attention to him. For him to just buy me something without paying attention hurts. We don’t have a lot of money but it meant everything to be able to get him things that made him happy. To add insult to injury he didn’t even get a receipt, or as he says: “he lost it.”
Wendy, am I being a selfish bitch? — I’m just saying…
Yeah, maybe a little bit, but your boyfriend sounds like kind of a cad, too. Who throws cash at a significant other for a birthday gift? That’s strange behavior, even if you can forgive someone for the totally understandable transgression of not being fluent in the love language of gift-giving. It’s one thing to miss gift hints or to give something that’s a wrong size or not of someone’s exact taste; that in itself certainly does not indicate a lack of regard or affection or love. Lots of people who are otherwise very loving partners don’t always give the most thoughtful gifts but they show their love in so many other ways. That your boyfriend literally threw cash at you a couple days before your birthday – your first birthday with him – without even a card, is rude and shows a lack of tact and class. But, tbh, harping on gifts someone has given you is also kind of tacky, too. He gave you a “beautiful sterling ring” but you’re made it was the wrong size? You can get things sized. I mean, really: grow up.
If your boyfriend is showing his love for you in other ways, the gifts shouldn’t be a big deal and if it’s so important to you that he give you specific shit, just send him a direct link and say “I want this.” If your boyfriend is not showing you love in other ways or is not a romantic person and romance is super important to you, you probably aren’t a match and you should MOA.
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