My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. I recently found out that he was texting his ex. Personally, I feel like the way he texts her is quite different from the way he texts me. He coddles her a lot, which he never does for me. With me, he is more like “you can’t change the situation so you have to get over it. look for solutions instead” kind of attitude. I’m not sure if she’s suicidal but he told her that if she were to die he wouldn’t be able to live (as his girlfriend I found it really weird because it’s something he would never say to me and it’s really out of his character). With me, he would never be the one to initiate a call randomly (he texted her and asked if he could call her when she was having a “hard time”) instead I’m the one who would initiate a call if I need him or if he needs me. I don’t feel comfortable at all knowing that he is trying to hide the fact he is texting his ex and the fact he was going to call her, I’m not sure if he did.
I’m not sure what’s happening. I did ask him about it and and he has a very complicated past with his ex, I don’t know much about it except they were both quite toxic to each other. He says the only reason why he coddles her so much because he feels a lot of guilt towards her. She told him that he was the cause of her depression but he also told me the way she verbally and emotionally abused him in the past. His depression was also at its peak when he was with her. I just don’t understand why she would constantly remind him that he is the cause of her depression because she did pretty much toxic things to him and I don’t think he holds a grudge. She wanted him to hide the fact that he was talking to her because she didn’t want to look weak in front of me (but like I don’t care about her at all). He tells me that he still cares for her but it’s “different” from the way he cares for me and that he only loves me. I asked him who texted first and he said, he did.
I’m very confused because why would he still associate himself with the person who hurt him so much in the past? Like why did she cross his mind, why did he have initiate the text, why did the conversation continued longer than it should, why did he need to archive the chat (he said because I would overthink), I just have a lot of questions.
I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him still keeping in contact with her and saying those things. I reasoned with him and he seemed to understand that he wouldn’t like it if I were doing something like that with my ex. Yet he can’t seem to give me any concrete promises that this won’t happen again.
Does anyone have any advice about my situation or what I should do?