Lesson one of being rejected: Keep your emotions in check and it will serve YOU better in the long run.

Rejection sucks, a lot. Having been rejected romantically by dates I really liked and also having to reject others who liked me a lot has got to be the most uncomfortable experience for both parties. The person being rejected feels like absolute garbage, and the person doing the rejection feels like a massive jerk. However, lashing out will not do anything but confirm the other persons reasons for rejecting you, and here’s an example why;

A couple weeks ago I (29F) had to reject someone (32M) who I wasn’t feeling a spark with, and I was dreading it. This person was earnest in their intentions, and wonderful in many ways. We went on two lovely dates, and connected on a few topics, I found him to be attractive, but struggled to have a conversation with him without being interrupted or argued with about my views. While some people love this back and forth dynamic, it is a real attraction killer for me. I knew I’d have to be honest about my feelings sooner rather than later as he was incredibly eager to pursue a relationship and went in for a quick kiss at the end of date 2. I felt nothing when he pecked me on the lips, and knew I had to let him know. So when he asked for another date… I spent the day thinking about my response and then got back to him in the evening… this is my replies and his responses (names have been changed)… word for word;

“Hey Tom, I apologize for taking the day to get back to you about dinner plans for tomorrow, I realize it is impolite and last minute of me. While I had a really wonderful time with you and was touched by your enthusiasm in investing your time and effort into me, I don’t think the spark is quite strong enough on my end to pursue a romantic relationship.”

I felt sick sending it, but relieved to know that the band-aid was ripped off once i heard the message sent whoosh. I think it’s normal to expect a bit of a cold reply, or a sad “ok :(…. or even nothing at all. Being in that position, I remembered feeling embarrassed and sad and just wanting to move on without much more of a conversation. I really hate being the reason why people feel this way.

But what I wasn’t expecting were the following 4 messages to come through;

“Wow. Pathetic. I cancelled all my plans tomorrow, for you. I thought you had a decent character but clearly I was very mistaken. I wasn’t exactly feeling a spark either but thought it would grow over time… but I guess you aren’t the type of person who likes to work in relationships and sadly I think thats why most people on online dating apps are single.”

“I expected better from you, I thought you were a nice girl, someone valuable… but clearly I misjudged your character. I cleared my schedule for you and having you take the day to reply to me really confirms that you were never a good match for me anyways. I’m frankly appalled and hope you don’t do this to any other guys as they do not deserve such selfish treatment”

“I hope you find this big ‘spark’ or whatever it is that you are looking for, and that you can manage to find someone who will make you super duper happy like you want. In future, do better.”

I was really taken aback, but knowing how crumby it feels to be rejected I knew I had no right to respond defensively, so my reply was;

“I understand, I apologize for my rudeness in taking so long to get back to you, I don’t blame you for feeling this way and I’m really sorry for the way I made you feel”

His reply to that was;

“I almost called the police I was convinced you’d been in a car accident or hospitalized when I didn’t hear back from you, don’t ever put someone through this again. It’s pathetic behaviour. Best of luck in your search for love, you’ll probably find its not as easy as you think it is… but hey… you’ve already made your bed”

Ok buddy. it was 6 hours of silence. Not 6 days.

I elected at that point just to leave the conversation at that and just deleted his contact info. But my ears were red and I was furious. Any respect I had for him was completely gone at this point. Unlike people in the past who’ve rejected me or vice versa, I acknowledged their decision… sometimes a little tearfully, but with a little time I came to realize their rejection wasn’t personal and that they were good people, just not the right person for me… and I felt relieved that I didn’t lash out.

At this point if i ever saw him again, I wouldn’t even want to be his friend. He blocked me on linkedin, instagram, facebook, and twitter (I have business analytics that tell me these things) despite not following him on any of these platforms and while I can’t prove it, I ended up with 4 negative reviews on my website that same night. My initial respect for him went down the drain, and is unlikely to ever come back.

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