It’s NOT shallow to want to date someone who you find attractive!

I see a number of people here who tell others that they shouldn’t care about attraction when dating and that they should look for partners based on compatibility only. A lot of people are saying that looks don’t matter, and a few people will tell others to “lower their standards”. I have a number of issues with this attitude.

First of all, I would say that yes, in a perfect world, we wouldn’t care about looks. But we, as human beings, are still animals and still have animal instincts. Physical attraction absolutely plays a role in dating and I don’t think people should deny that. If there’s someone who you have a lot of compatibility with, but zero attraction, then that person would make a great friend. But I would actually advise AGAINST dating someone who you aren’t attracted to.

I really don’t think not wanting to date people who you aren’t attracted to makes you a shallow person. I would say wanting to date someone ONLY (or at least primarily) because of their looks might mean you’re shallow. But I really think people on this subreddit should acknowledge that wanting a partner who you find attractive is perfectly reasonable, and shouldn’t shame people for it.

There are a few reasons why I think it’s not shallow to want a partner who you find physically attractive.

  1. Attraction is subjective. Those 1-10 rating scales you see some people using? They’re 100% opinion based. Nobody is objectively beautiful, and nobody is objectively ugly. I know people who I think are pretty unfortunate in the looks department who have had tons of partners, and people who I think are really good looking who have had no luck at all.

  2. Attraction is less rigid than most people acknowledge. Most of us have a “type” who we’re attracted to, but for most people those preferences are pretty flexible. I would say I’m most often attracted to slim women with black hair and blue eyes and also prefer if they’re shorter than me. But you know what? I’ve been totally into women who don’t fit my type at all. My first kiss was with a woman who was a bit on the heavy side. The woman who I mentioned in a lot of my past posts who I missed my chance with and haven’t been able to get over was a blonde with brown eyes who was about the same height as me. Just because someone has a type doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t be attracted to people who don’t fit their type.

  3. It’s surprisingly easy to improve your looks. Other people might disagree with me on this, but I think looks have more to do with hygiene, fashion and presentation than they do with genetics. For a lot of people, improving their looks could seriously be as easy as getting into a better skin care routine, getting a good haircut, dressing well, etc. I won’t deny there are a few people who are genuinely unfortunate looking, but I don’t think that’s the case for the majority of people. And guess what? Like I said earlier, I know people who I don’t think are good looking at all who still have happy relationships.

  4. “Lower your standards” is terrible advice. Like I said, I fully agree that someone wanting to date someone else only for their looks is shallow. But I think this is just as true for someone who tries to date someone else who they have zero attraction to. In my opinion, that would be leading the other person on. And I don’t know about you guys, but if I found out that my partner had started dating me because I was apparently ugly enough to be in her “league”, I’d be pretty hurt. Unless someone’s standards are completely ridiculous (like, only wanting to date an actual model), telling them to lower their standards is setting them up to fail and hurt other people in the process.

I really don’t think not wanting to date people who you aren’t attracted to makes you a shallow person. I would say wanting to date someone ONLY (or at least primarily) because of their looks might mean you’re shallow. But I really think people on this subreddit should acknowledge that wanting a partner who you find attractive is perfectly reasonable, and shouldn’t shame people for it.

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