Is it normal to give up hope on romance/romantic relationship?

[30F] I have never been in a relationship. Not that I was not interested, it just didn’t happen. I majored in a subject that took away most of my 20s and by the time I started working (28) and had an idea about my likes and dislikes about men, I rarely found any guy interesting. When I did, they were mostly taken. By the time I turned 30, I realized being single is the most probable option I have left and I making peace with it. What I don’t understand is how I ended up being so.

I was the hopeless romantic in my teens. I remember gushing over that new actor/that cute guy in the glass in my class/the random good looking stranger at mart. I had a good group of friends to chill out with – smart, works hard and have fun while at it. I did not necessarily feel the ‘need’ to have a boyfriend or be in a relationship until I was 25. By then the ambition to be successful at career overpowered the idea of finding a romantic partner. There were no ‘accidentally meeting the right person’ that happened too. Once I got a job that I am comfortable in, pays well and that I love to do, coming back home, having noone to have a meaningful conversation with is making me realize the void in my life. Most of my friends are married; conversations with them make me feel like a loser for not having a romantic partner (=good quality of life). I am happy for their happiness, I just don’t feel good about myself after the call ends. The calls, the conversations and meetups have become sparse coz I’d be the only person who will have nothing in common to speak about – gifts for anniversaries, going on romantic dates, diapers and visits to child clinics and such.

Work is good. I am considered one of the best at my work place. It’s a fulfilling feeling. Outside of work, I find that I am hopeless. I have a good network of acquaintances who I can rely on for professional help. My personal life is pathetic. I regret having spending all of my energy on studies and work and not on trying to go out on dates or looking for a partner. Looking back, I think I made total injustice to my personal life and it’s affecting me badly now. The rare guys with whom I find a spark with are already taken or we don’t match on a physical level (I am quite the tall woman).

I think I have a well rounded personality. I am physically fit and emotionally balanced. In fact I have been told I am emotionally too strong. I have various interests and can initiate and partake in a good conversation. I may not be the brightest of the lot but I believe I am humble enough to accept my shortcomings and work on them. What I mean to say is I fall in the societal construct of ‘normalcy’.

I’m not sure if it is because I haven’t found a spark in a guy for quite some time, I seem to have given up on the notion of romance/romantic relationship, on the hope that it could ever happen to me. It used to make me feel sad coz I thought that was the only piece of puzzle that’s missing from my life right now. But the more realistic I get, I am feeling that I would do quite okay without the piece too. Is it normal or is it some sort of psychological compensation that my brain has come up with to not look down upon myself?

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