I’m never “girlfriend” material, only “casual”

Maybe I just need tips on loving yourself after just too many casual things? It’s just hard to have hope after yet another fuckboi.

I’ve seen so many people break up and get with someone new in the time I’ve been single.

We’d been talking for months, but due to covid not been in the same city all year. (We didnt know this would happen, so he was talking to me thinking we would see each other.) He could be really sweet and acted like a friend, talking to me about non sexual things, stuff we had in common. He’d checked on my wellbeing so nicely at times. He was checking on me about my job etc when covid happened. I’ve been going through something this year and when he heard about it, he sent me a nice msg. Felt like maybe he cared.

When he brought up how we’d hooked up to say he had a nice night etc, he was like “Oh i’m so glad you think the same, I was embarrassed! For bringing it up!”

…the fuck was he embarrassed about? He had nothing to lose.

When he asked for nudes a few months in, he did the same thing saying he was “embarrassed” and that he’d been wanting to ask for ages.

If that’s all he wanted, what did he have to lose asking earlier? he doesnt actually care about me, ihate how he made it look like he was holding back asking because he was trying to be respectful…it wasnt out of respect.

Turns out he was just being fuckboi. He’s following lots of new girls on insta, and liking their selfies and not the ones with bfs, i feel stupid. He’s got lots of girls hes definitely trying this shit with, how is it a big deal to him if he can just move the next.

Even after he told me he just wanted “fun,” he’s been acting like a “friend” still. He replied to an artwork I made. Why is he still paying attention to my hopes and passions ugh.

It’s disheartening to put myself out there and it nor work out every time. All that effort, thinking maybe someone could actually like me for me. I don’t know how much more energy i have anymore. I’ve got there before with self worth., I’ve “found myself” before and was happy. But it seems harder to get there AGAIN. A few too many rejections and I feel like why can’t it happen for me? The way he was commenting on non sexual stuff made me feel like i was interesting.

I yet again allowed a guy to treat me this way. I’m the one who’s embarrassed and feel stupid, what did he think the “embarrassed” thing would make me feel? I fucking win the “embarrassment” level here.

About a year ago a guy I work with was asking me about bfs and because I dnot have one, he was going “I just find that hard to believe.” Like well, cause shit like this happens? Just want to scream at him, “Look see, because they dont fucking want me?” It gets harder and harder to hear things like that.

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